And Now it’s Entered My Dreams…

I wanted to share a dream I had last night because I remembered it with incredible detail. So much so, in fact, that it seemed it had actually been real events that happened. Scary. It was very random and odd; the names have been changed to abbreviated letters; so here goes: 

I was on my way to my friend H & B’s house and my car broke down on the way there. It just stopped running as I was driving down a side street. Just as I’m wondering what to do my friend R somehow appeared on the random street I was on out of nowhere. R brought me to H & B’s house. R did not appear in the rest of the dream. H, B & I went to a bar (it was day time drinking) and we saw a bunch of people I know in AZ (H & B live in NY and that was the location of the dream). While at said bar we were discussing what to wear that night to what was the equivalent of a Barrister’s Ball. At this point, unfortunately for me, I realized all of my fancy dresses were in my car stranded on a random road so I had nothing to wear. I happened to have a few casual dresses with me at the bar and showed them to the girls in a “maybe this one?” “okay maybe that one” sort of fashion show. B told me they weren’t good and I shouldn’t EVER wear them. H agreed. Luckily for me I had one more dress to show them. As I said “oh what about this one!” they said it would be ok. Only ok   Well H & B decided to leave this bar thing and told me to come with them. Somehow I had acquired a car at this point but it wasn’t mine. I told H & B I would meet at their house because I was determined to get to my dresses from my stranded car. H told me not to drive myself and to just go with them. I did not. I drove off and my legs were stuck and I couldn’t hit either the gas or the brake pedal in the car. The only way to stop was to run into a pole with the car on purpose?

At this point I woke up. What did I conclude from this? The bar has entered into my brain taunting me with actual bars, reminding me of the friends I fear will forget me in NY and scaring me into studying my life away.

If I can make time there’s no way you can’t. What’s the matter? Too busy?

I’ve started to notice the effects of Bar Review on my life, and my personality, already. Maybe it has to do with moving also, but I think it’s mainly the effects of the stress and overwhelming feelings I’ve had.

A day in the life: Wake up at 6am, shower (this is the part that may give in to sleep), leave the house by 6:45. Stop at Einstein’s and/or Starbucks for a bagel and coffee. Drive 25 minutes to the park and ride for the light rail. Get on the train 7:30ish. Spend about 45 minutes on the train reviewing Barbri lecture notes until I arrive in Tempe at ASU (ew). Walk to the law school. Check emails, review notes, etc. before class begins at 9. Lecture 9-12/1ish. Library to study. Train back to the West side of town. Starbucks for more studying. Home for a break and finishing up the studying. Rinse and repeat.

I don’t know if it’s the long days, the boredom of certain lecture topics or a general lack of motivation, but this whole process is a struggle. I consistently am searching for distractions through gchatting and texting my friends, especially the ones in NY. The 3 hour time difference is a little difficult though.

This is where I’ve noticed the effects of me turning into more of a brat than I ever have been before. I try to schedule a time to video chat and everyone just seems too busy. I then have the takeover of the monster and think “If I am trying to make time for YOU while studying for the bar, there’s nothing YOU can’t possibly sacrifice to say hi for a few minutes.” It doesn’t matter that you answer my texts and gchat me during the day, I want to video chat or talk on the phone and I want to do it NOW. Stop working, stop sleeping, stop dating. Focus on me.

The other day I was gchatting and said “Can we facetime later? I miss you and need a light at the end of the tunnel.” I was feeling particularly overwhelmed and in a state of despair this day. My friend’s response in a series of short messages was something like “awww boo. Today not a good a day. And skype will be better I won’t have good wifi to face time.” Now you may read this and think there is absolutely nothing wrong, and there isn’t. However, my reaction was WHAT! What do you mean not a good day? Not a good day to chat with me? What could you possibly be doing that you can’t take the time for?! Don’t you miss me? Am I not important to you? Doooon’t worry I had this reaction to myself, fought back tears because how could you tell me no?, and then responded “Did you mean not a good day to video chat or were you asking if it wasn’t a good day for me?” Turns out it was the latter. Can we say overreaction on my part? The monster has reared it’s head! I just don’t want to be forgotten. And, of course, when my brain hurts from hours of studying it’s nice to have a friendly face of someone who can understand what long hours of studying are like and also provide a distraction for 1/2 an hour to chit chat.

But seriously, if I can make time for you this summer you sure as hell can make time for me!

Ten Things You Will Do While Studying For the Bar

This is the article I mentioned in the first post. Let’s see how my life will compare, and what other craziness I encounter, over the next few months.

The Proverbial Explanatory Post

Hi friends! and Hello people I don’t know who stumbled across this! So glad you’re here.

From the time I was a little kid I’ve always been drawn to express myself through writings, whether it was for happiness, sadness, storytelling, inspiration, pick-you-ups, thank yous, good-byes, encouragement, apologies, or anger (although for that I was also drawn to temper tantrums, foot stomping, arm crossing and door slamming… cue bratty child remarks). There’s just something about writing everything out that makes it more concrete. As if it gives my feelings some sort of validation.

When I embarked on what was then the biggest adventure of my life three years ago by moving across the country to New York for law school I was both excited and terrified. You see, I’m not a huge fan of change and I really like predictability. So why would I go graduate college and one month later pack my car to take off across the country? Well, I needed to do it for ME. I couldn’t live with myself if I hadn’t taken the risk and always had that “What if” bugging me in the back of my mind in regards to my living in NY. It was something I had always wanted to do so what better time than when I was barely 22 and working towards my ultimate goal – becoming a lawyer! Besides, I needed the safety net that if I hated it my time there definitely had an expiration date – graduation – and I could move back without much lost. Turns out, I didn’t necessarily hate it but I didn’t love it like I thought I might either. Remember when I said I didn’t like change? Yea, 3 years in the ultimate change of atmosphere, lifestyle, environment, location, people, places and things, and I came running back to Arizona. I wouldn’t change those choices for anything though. I have taken a lot away from NY, the experiences I had and the people I met, and I have become a better person for it. At least I’d like to think so. I miss the friends I made there SO much and am constantly reminded of them by everything from a song on the radio, nail polish, pictures, laughs, clothes, colors, phrases… you name it and my mind probably wanders to someone from it.

Okay, but back to the point. I have been back in Arizona for about a week now and immediately started studying for the bar exam. UGH. I literally graduated Monday May 20th, moved to Arizona Tuesday May 21st and went to my bar review class Wednesday May 22nd. I’d also like to note that I was 2 days behind everyone else because the course started May 20th but I was a little busy over there in NY just getting that J.D. and giving the commencement speech at graduation. No big deal. The last week has been a whirlwind trying to balance my excitement of coming home, wanting to see friends and family, getting settled and STUDYING FOR THE BIGGEST TEST OF MY LIFE.

I read an article today, which I will post shortly, titled “Ten Things You Will Do While Studying for the Bar.” I’m sure I will experience all of that at one point or another this summer and you can experience them with me, and more!, as I write it through thoughts/stories/frustrations/quotes/pictures/problems/rants here.

I titled it “It’s a Different Kind of Bar Now” because it is. Bars have been a big part of my life for the past 4 years since I turned 21 (I promise you I never had a fake id. True story). As any good college student at a big state school would, I partied my way through undergrad, spending a significant amount of time in bars my senior year. Mondays at the one with the deals for 80s night, Tuesdays at the place with $2 drinks, Wednesdays where they had Ladies Night, Thursdays for 80s night with the coverband, etc. etc. etc. Come on, it was college. Then I survived law school by many many happy hours & nights out as stress relievers from our lives as lawyers-in-training.

Despite what it may sound like I assure you I am NOT an alcoholic, I’m just young, wild and free. But now I enter the real grown up world and even though I’m still young, I will be very tame and freedom is gone. At least for the next 2 months while I study. I’m tackling a new adventure, we can call it that, and encountering the single biggest, most important and difficult exam I will take. It will completely replace the bars that were in my life for fun and consume me for the next two months.

You see, it’s a different kind of bar now.

B